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by Anonymous
The Guru's Song(All experience is naught but conception) "I want to fuck you, yes, it's a test" (Conceptions are empty) "You're the best" (Yes and no sound the same knell) "If you say no, you'll go to hell" (To displease the Guru is a sinful shame) "If you refuse you'll cause me pain" (What is truth when it doesn't exist?) -- It's all a lie when you insist! Spring, 2002 To Mr. Tensing Gyaltso, H.H. the Dalai Lama: I am writing to you now because I think I am finally able to speak clearly of my experience. I want to do what I can to prevent what has happened to me from destroying the faith and mental health of other innocent students of Tibetan Buddhism. I was searching for "what is really real" throughout my young life, and felt I had finally found a true path when I met Mr. Sonam Kazi and heard the Dzog-chen teachings for the first time in the early 1970’s, when I was in my early 20’s. I practiced, studied, and eagerly listened to the teachings. I was ready to sacrifice my life to realize for the sake of all sentient beings. I could think of no better goal and purpose in life than to solve the root cause of the problem of suffering. My practice led to many confirming spiritual experiences, especially through the practice of the Chenrezi sadhana. I believed in the Dharma with all my heart and soul. I emulated Tilopa and Milarepa as inspirations to persevere in the practice, come what may. Then suddenly, everything changed. One day, when I was 28 or 29 years old, Sonam Kazi called me and said, "I want to fuck you." I was shocked. I did not have any interest in sex with him. I was not attracted to him physically. I was happily married to a wonderful partner who was also a trusting student. I was told "this is a test". I appeared, had sex with him, and was told "you passed the test and don’t have to do this again." Perhaps my discomfort was obvious. I replied, clearly, "Good!" But from then on, my life slowly became a nightmare. The calls from him were constant. Whenever I tried to object or explain how I felt, my guru would become enraged. I would be guilty of the terrible sin of displeasing the guru. I was told that if I did not comply I would never realize, I would go to hell, the teacher would cease to teach, others would therefore not be able to realize and I would be responsible for the demise of the only true Dzog-chen teaching in the west. I was told to constantly lie. Lies were damtsig. I could not speak of the sex and other experiences to anyone, all in the name of damtsig. I began to develop severe migraine headaches that would invariably afflict me the day after each visit. I had another chronic condition, aggravated by his sexual practices, of cyctitis that he at first refused to accommodate. I now have a permanent bladder condition as a result of constant painful infections. I was only able to escape from anal sex by presenting him with a large wad of toilet paper completely soaked in red blood (telling him that I could not have normal bowel movements or comfortably sit down for days after his visits made no difference) There were times when I was sick, feverish, racked with bronchitis or bladder pain and would plead for him to leave me alone - to no avail. My condition didn’t matter. I contracted an unpleasant STD two times from him. I knew he was also sleeping with many other students, and was concerned for their safety as well as my own, but he would always deny it. I eventually felt sure I would die, a sacrifice to the others who would benefit from the teaching. Fortunately, another student who had a similar experience and had become a therapist helped me to finally say "no". I began to wake up from a nightmare that in some ways will never end. I see how Sonam Kazi became the leader of a classic cult - increasingly isolated, paranoid, critical of every other teacher (including yourself), and convinced that he alone possessed the true teaching, which he guarded more and more jealously. Students could not talk to each other and were berated, accused, abused in meetings. Students who left were considered spiritual failures, damtsig breakers, and were shunned. Any teaching had ceased long ago. Compassion and truth had become subverted to control, power, and paranoia. A sexual predator used the Dharma to give his addiction free reign. After I made the break and began to collect myself, I began to call other students, especially women, who had left, fearing that their experience may have mirrored my own. I was appalled. The same threats: "you’ll have bad luck forever", "you’ll never realize", "you’ll suffer in hell forever"…"if you say no to the guru" or "if you leave me". There has been so much damage, so much grief, suffered by innocent students, the "spiritual children" of the Dharma, dedicated to doing their best to learn and practice the Tibetan Buddhist teaching. Many of the women, and men, left before their faith was destroyed. I am a stubborn person and was determined to follow in Tilopa’s footsteps. How many times did I have to jump off that roof… I now cannot look at a Tibetan thanka painting without getting sick to my stomach. I don’t believe in any dharma or spiritual philosophy. I truly believe that anyone who accepts any doctrine is illusioned. I have no faith. My husband says that faith, hope, and charity have caused more suffering in his life than cynicism and skepticism. I was severely depressed for many years, and still suffer from symptoms of post traumatic stress. The traumatic effect Sonam Kazi had on my husband and our relationship has been profound as well. I believe we will never fully recover from over 20 years of physical, mental, and spiritual abuse. Other women as well as myself in Sonam Kazi’s "sangha" have contemplated suicide. Fortunately, we have all, so far, survived and are pursuing our various paths to recovery. I have met you many times in the company of Sonam Kazi in New York and once in Dharamsala. I have the most profound respect and belief in your palpably compassionate nature. I have hope that compassion for future students of Buddhism will motivate you to confront the abuse perpetrated in the name of the Teachings, and publicly censure such acts and teachers. Self styled gurus such as Sonam Kazi have no supervision or hierarchy of control over their behavior. You are recognized as the spiritual leader of the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. I hope that you can make a difference. Sincerely, |
An archive of articles and testimonials about abuses in Tibetan 'Buddhism'.
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