THE THORN IN THE LOTUS Site Map by Pema Zangmo

THE THORN IN THE LOTUS
Site Map Ambu` Veteran Joined: 25 Sep 2002 Posts: 1561 Location: Ashland, Oregon Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2003 9:53 pm    Post subject: The Thorn in the Lotus THE THORN IN THE LOTUS, by Pema Zangmo Table of Contents: Part One: An Appraisal of Western Womens' Sexual Relationships With Tibetan Lamas Part Two: Lifting Up That Tibetan Carpet to See What's Been Swept Underneath Part One: An Appraisal of Western Womens' Sexual Relationships With Tibetan Lamas In trying to address the question of whether western women who have entered into sexual relationships with Tibetan Lamas are getting a fair deal, I have attempted to begin by looking at four main categories that immediately spring to mind. As I am speaking mostly from my own experience, as well as from friends' and what I have gleaned from other women's accounts, I have tried my utmost to keep as an objective a perspective as possible, only including my own insights since I know them to be fact, and on which my views are ultimately based. Hopefully, at least one Tibetan Lama, puzzled by us westerners may find some inkling into what really goes on in the mind of a western woman! Maybe a useful discussion might ensue. Who knows? I can see both sides of the argument, but have to say from the outset that my enquiry comes from the belief that too many women have suffered too much through misunderstandings in their relations with certain Lamas. They did not deserve the subsequent confusion that had a negative impact on their own spiritual path. I am not seeking to be proved right, but simply to open a discussion on the subject. While asking myself these questions, I hope to unravel the tangled thread of my own doubts from which arose the need to consider the matter in the first place. As I put forward these suggestions, I am mindful to remember ttat the majority of Lamas will believe they are coming from a perspective of non- duality and their actions are intended to be for their female partner's good. Perhaps some are simply addressing their own sexual needs in an honest way, but often don't have the wherewithal to go about a "relationship" since their whole upbringing and training has been to bypass the relative level of human interaction. I think this is the main area where the difficulty arises. Even in situations when the Lama has made it clear he does not want to be looked upon as a teacher, it will still be a highly charged spiritual experience on the woman's side who will regard him as a very special companion closer than any other to the affairs of her heart, namely her devotion to the Teachings. When that relationship fails it will hit her harder than the dissolution of a relationship conducted on a more mundane footing. While the misunderstandings remain, there will be unhappiness on both sides. If we can bring greater clarity to the subject with compassionate, forward-thinking, open minds, it could well be that we have much to learn from each other; as I believe is the case with Tibetan Lamas and genuine western students in general. Before I point the finger of blame at anyone, I need to look with a magnifying glass at my own shortcomings in this respect and say a little bit about my personal perspective. I probably fell at the first hurdle of spiritual pride and arrogance or most importantly spiritual ambition. I had been gifted with a sensitive, highly intuitive nature and fluid mind that could quite easily perceive different subtleties of experience. I was absolutely committed to the Dharma and felt dependent on it as a guideline because there were no examples in my own western culture to account for the subtle levels of perception I was tuning into. I don't think that what I call my pride and arrogance can be equated with the normal meanings of those words in their grossest sense, but there was a definite sense of ambition which countered the Dzogchen approach of total letting go and relaxation. The reason for this I believe was that I was bolstering my confidence in order to deal with a western society and friends and family, who could not begin to grasp what I was trying to do and who often became difficult obstacles in themselves. This meant that during the tough times in the Dharma Centers I had no one to confide in. In reaction I became ambitious for the success of my practice. But actually the practices that people were doing around me went against the natural flow of my mind and I felt as though I was being restricted into a smaller more rigid mind set. After a brilliant start in my twenties and early thirties, my clarity departed and I could not find the appropriate Lama to guide me back to it. Confusion reigned. It could possibly be argued that this is a normal stage in the Tantric process, but I would not wish it upon anybody. I am convinced there are simpler methods for western students to engage with the Teachings if we only look for them. I may be digressing, but I have felt it important to show the basis on which this enquiry is built which is after all, my personal experience and viewpoint. For a while now, I have heard disgruntled mutterings in the ranks of other students. Some did break out in an explosion of festering rage and turned their back on the whole caboodle. Others said they were afraid that if they left the Dharma group, they would not be able to cope with the outside world and they would lose touch with the Teachings, so they stayed where they felt safe, but with their mouths buttoned up. For me, both these approaches are neither sensible nor helpful. I still believe there is a rare and beautiful gem to be discovered within the packaging of Tibetan Buddhism, and consider my journey at least to be one of carefully taking away the coverings. At the same time I believe I am uncovering the wrappings of my own heart wisdom. That is my personal viewpoint; right or wrong. I merely intend to say what is true for me and to offer my voice up to join with others in a discussion on how Westerners and Tibetan Lamas may address the problems which have been coming to light in the area of misunderstandings and to move forward in a brave, new direction. This enquiry's purpose is first and foremost to try and establish if in the area of intimate physical relationships taken as a spiritual enterprise, the Lama' s perspective is absolutely correct, or whether it can and should be modified in a more balanced way, since the female partner is half the input of energy into the alchemical process. I do not claim that there is automatically an equality of spiritual attainment between the partners at this early stage. I am not talking about a romantic love affair such as enjoyed by the majority of couples in the ordinary day to day world, but a transformational process employed as a means to go beyond dualistic consciousness. Some budding female students of Ati yoga will have trusted that the Lama's behavior was intended to help cut through the dualistic tendencies of their minds. Miranda Shaw has written a fascinating book, "Passionate Enlightenment: Women in Tantric Buddhism ". She clarified everything I once believed to be true and possible. But I now have reservations that such books, although of scholarly interest, only succeed in giving an unrealistic picture of what is actually attainable for most of us. It is so much easier to write and speak of high metaphysics and theories, than to actually put them into practice. Anyway, with confidence in my own foundation of experience and with a twinkle in my eye, I was more than willing to have a try. But I fell flat on my face and had to ask whether there are any modern day women who have really broken through and can honestly say it has worked for them. Or whether it is simply all a myth? And if it is not working, why is it not working? Where better place to start than with the case of Kalu Rinpoche and June Campbell? I) The case of Kalu Rinpoche and June Campbell must surely be the most authentic example of what may initially have been intended as a genuine spiritual practice actually not working, at least not for the female partner. Why didn't it work? Kalu Rinpoche had presumably mastered advanced practices and June Campbell was a sincere and dedicated student who revered her teacher. But still there remained the problem of a cultural divide. The bottom line was Ms. Campbell found herself floundering in a welter of uncertainties. Things seemed not to have really been explained clearly to her in a way that she knew where she stood. And there would not have been anyone to turn to for advice as the whole thing was a highly clandestine state of affairs. There seems to have been a huge misunderstanding all round which begs the question of whether these very high practices can ever work for the female partner, or whether she is just an instrument whose purpose is to excite the neurological makeup of the male practitioner. It seems Ms Campbell's heart and feelings never came into the equation at the time. Maybe her involvement with Kalu Rinpoche has subsequently opened up a wealth of valuable understanding to her. But at what cost? Should women have to pay such a high price? Can all the uncertainty and anguish be avoided? In the West, women who are in this position are not supported or respected the way they would have been in Tibet. Very often they are demeaned and treated badly by other students as well as by the Lama himself doing his "wrathful manifestation" bit. How sad! How doubly sad that this situation with Kalu Rinpoche and his consort, which surely should have worked, blatantly didn't. What hope is there therefore with other cases? 2) Women who have already attained some subtle degree of realization that they hope to expand in their friendships with Lamas they become sexual partners of and intimately involved with. This is a category that I believe I fell into. I include it here because I think it's an important issue. It was my experience and I think maybe likewise for other women. As I write the words "They hope to expand in their friendships with Lamas," I am aware that that was the initial mistake. In effect we did not understand or respect our own gift of insight and spiritual sensitivity. We sought to augment it by pairing up with a man we expected to be an experienced spiritual practitioner and imagined we were entering a more sacred ground. This is natural since we were after all normal women with a healthy sexuality and loving hearts. We were looking for spiritually compatible partners. Likewise, so were the Lamas. But there all similarity of intent seems to end, in the majority of cases. Let's look closely at this divergence of intention and ask whether the rift can ever be resolved? Clearly at the root of resulting misunderstandings is the belief Tibetan Lamas are entrenched in, namely that to have sexual relations with a woman is a great blessing for her. This leads to the commonsense arithmetic that notching up as many women as possible on the bedpost will equate with giving the maximum blessings one would wish to as a practicing bodhisattva. But invariably such behavior involves lies or deception or abandonment in the guise of skilful means. There are a host of other reasons which have left many women psychologically shattered and of most importance to them, drowning in a sea of self- doubt about their spiritual energy and practice. Having myself been in that state of despair, I am looking closely at where I on my side as having been one half of the relationship, was making mistakes. I don't automatically blame any of my partners. It is a shared responsibility. My mistake was not to have trusted my own spiritual awakening to unfold naturally in the first place. I was greedy for Teachings. But what I discovered that came as a shock was that I lost my capacity for clear dreams and insights. My energy levels suffered. I had insomnia and a barrage of migraines. Something shut down as I dealt with all the hurt and confusion in the way the Lamas went about their relationships with western women. They may have been intending to disarm our egos, but they did a hatchet job like butchers. The scenario I am portraying here is when a Lama perceives he is within the sacred Mandala, and any willing woman who manifests at any moment is the Dakini. It is desirable for him to have sex with her. His view of the Dakini is in the appearance of waves of ever-changing female forms. Ideally in the case of very advanced practitioners this may be true and such a practice is legitimate. In Tibet such women would have been supported by their family which would have lessened the personal attachment and dependence. Tibetans are fairly matter-of-fact about sexuality, and a great honor would have been conferred upon the consort's family. But what we actually have in the West, is that in many cases when Lamas attempt this practice, it goes badly wrong. It is now being called sexual abuse. Why? Why is it not benefiting the females in question? Because in the first place these Lamas are always calling the shots and moving the goal posts in their own favor. I suggest the Lama's compassion is not for his partner but for himself and it amounts to a form of vampirism as the woman's spiritual energy is sucked out of her. She has trusted the Lama to take her with him beyond boundaries, but she discovers she is being utilized for her sex and can easily be discarded whenever he wishes without any sense of loyalty towards her or care for her well-being. I suggest these Lamas are self-deluded. Too many women have suffered in their hands. Their voices are silenced, numbed by pain and bewilderment; disempowered by the Lama whom they had loved and trusted. In turn, when the Lama is called into question in glaring publicity, he must surely suffer too as he faces the consequences of his actions. Perhaps he is as bewildered as anyone that the practice hasn't worked. What is there in it for the female Dharma practitioner, who is often a student of that Rinpoche? At the outset (unless she is just passing through and a pretty face he's taken a fancy to) the woman will be a sincere devotee of the Dharma with at least a good understanding of pure awareness, if only as little glimpses. She knows there is more to reality than meets the dualistic eye. She has a passionate devotion to the Teachings. Her initial insights have proved to her its efficacy. At this point, her practice is apparently going well. But the stormy seas ahead prove overwhelming. Huge doubts set in. The fact is, when she is really honest with herself, something is simply going badly wrong with her energy. The prescribed practices are not helping, and only making her energy worse. If she is lucky, she will have realized she has given away her power. Once, I would have gone along with all of this, still believing it was necessary to undergo the pain to progress, to surrender the ego, but one thing stuck in my throat: I intuitively knew it was all wrong for me. What remained of my clarity in my dreams screamed out to me to get out and go it alone. More devastating than the misunderstanding on an emotional level arising within personal relationships is the misunderstanding about entering a state of non-duality. This was really the deepest trap I had fallen into. 3) The misunderstanding that the course of a relationship is bound to lead to a refinement of transcendent love. This is perhaps one of the most acutely painful of misunderstandings. I believe there are a good many western female practitioners who have gained a subtle insight into non-duality. They are highly intuitive in their own right and would still have the faculties of subtle perception whether or not they practiced any religion. They were drawn to Tibetan Buddhism because it focuses on this aspect of themselves and they sought to receive guidance into developing their gift. Take such a woman who enters into a physically intimate relationship with a Rinpoche believing (like him) that it will aid her practice. She is careful to work on her attachment and not to cling. She surrenders her ground, joyfully believing her own perception of the Mandala is being strengthened. She often feels deeply connected to the Lama and inspired by her intimacy with him. With courage she endures unpleasant states of emotion, and embarrassments, as she negotiates the unfamiliar territory of non-monogamy. Willing to face any challenge to go beyond the boundary of duality, she is not deterred when things go counter to her wishes. Her faith in the Lama and the Teachings is steadfast. At the same time she is not a doormat, she does have her dignity and reprimands what she sees as his male chauvinist errors. But actually she cannot see very far. Too much is hidden from her. Everything on a very basic level is conspiring against her. The Lama capriciously masterminds the Mandala she believes herself to be in. She willingly gives up her ground seemingly to a greater spaciousness, but the Lama appears to be drifting further and further away as her place is filled by another hopeful and another and another. She asks herself whether the relative level of the relationship is at an end because "relationships" necessarily have to cease before the non-dual state is attained? Is the Dharmakaya level opening up? She patiently waits and waits as the world falls to pieces around her. She may have to wait forever. Nine times out of ten the Lama has simply broken off the relationship which was never on such an altruistic level in the first place. He has moved on, swallowed up by his adoring followers multiplying all over the world. She has lost the man she had loved as well as her power which nature had once endowed her with. She is left utterly bereft. No sky-dancing here, but dangling in limbo. However, I also believe this need not be the end of the story. It is up to us to be refilled with a renewed vigor. Our powers of intuition, if we allow them to flow naturally, will not let us down. Now we will respect them as being ours by right, and we can honor the deity within ourselves, and no longer be beholden to the Lama in the role of lover. Perhaps we can even jump back into that melting pot but with a more balanced sense of shared responsibility. 4) The melting pot of shared responsibility We don't have to walk away sadder but wiser and spend the rest of our lives licking our wounds. The spiritual path will still keep unfolding if we are absolutely true to ourselves. First we should acknowledge our part in the relationship. We had made a free decision so we weren't exactly victims, though I do think that many of us were misled. I am aware that I contributed to whatever misunderstandings arose. I can also contribute towards a better understanding developing in the future. This I willingly do. I take part responsibility for my failed relationships with the Rinpoches I knew and loved as the men in my life. But I cannot stand idly by and watch other women suffer the misery I went through if the Lamas do not change their ways. How can they begin to change if they don't get feedback like this article'? Let's all come a bit more down to earth and more into our hearts. If the original melting-pot was an alchemy of our combined energies, then it is true we have a choice of whether the outcome is a progression from an understandable muddle given the content of the ingredients, (i.e. Male v. Female; Eastern mentality v. Western mentality; Relative truth v. Absolute truth), to a deeper level of understanding, or whether we are just left sitting in a stew! We have the chance now to open up a discussion, really coming from the heart. I have entitled this article "The Thorn in the Lotus" to depict the pain women are being subjected to when they are unfairly treated by Lamas. Let's remove that thorn which has no place to be there. I am writing under the nom de plume of my Tibetan name Pema Zangmo, which was given to me by H.H. The Sixteenth Karmapa at Rumtek Monastery, 28 years ago. It has been my devotion to him that has kept me on this passionate path of the Tibetan Dharma. I am normally called by my English name, but in this case wish to conceal my identity and the identities of the Rinpoches I was involved with. Personal identities are not important here. I am speaking on behalf of Womankind. Back to top Ambu` Veteran Joined: 25 Sep 2002 Posts: 1561 Location: Ashland, Oregon Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2003 9:56 pm    Post subject: THE THORN IN THE LOTUS (cont'd) Part Two: Lifting Up That Tibetan Carpet to See What's Been Swept Underneath I also wish to add briefly what I have felt is going wrong with the transmission of the Teachings in the West via Tibetan Dharma Centers, and offer a few suggestions. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that within the Tibetan diaspora of the past years, an incredible source of wisdom is being disseminated in the West. For me it fills in the gaps which Christianity, quantum physics, and near death experiences have left unanswered. The essence of the Teachings, as with the message of Jesus Christ, are a faultless and Universal Truth, but similar to the Christian Church that has distorted Christ's original message and sent many of its flock fleeing its aisles, the Tibetan hierarchy and method of Teaching here in the west, although undoubtedly containing some brilliant beacons of light, harbors some rotten apples that need to be picked out. Rotten apple 1) The element of control can be far too one-sided in Dharma Centers. In trying to follow to the letter the Lama's instructions to replicate a Tibetan shrine-room, prayer service, and Tibetan way of doing things, students can lose touch with their basic commonsense, and wander around in a kind of submissive escape from self-responsibility. Often fearing the wounding criticism from the Lama and ever trying to please, they are reluctant to reflect back honestly a truthful picture to the Lama, so it is not surprising if the Lama's own viewpoint is distorted. Rarely do students say what they really think. And it is now very much the case, that only those who have nothing to lose will fearlessly speak the truth. They say what others have thought but have not dared admit aloud. The main problem here is that there really isn't any consistent individual guidance taking place between Lama and student. Too often the creation and running of the Centre is the Lama's priority. Individuals become a blob of a sangha, being indoctrinated with a foreign culture. Many older students now have salaried positions in the Dharma Centre. They will not want to jeopardize their source of income and way of life they've worked hard in the pecking order system to achieve. It has been my observation that there are many wonderful people creating these Centers. I have no intention to undermine their good intentions and hard work. But I have seen them beaten like donkeys as they rush around arranging the Lama's schedule and Retreats in a deliberately orchestrated panic which masquerades as a Teaching. They are so busy organizing the Dharma Centers, few ever get the time to practice in a way that will bring true realization and liberation. Years of dedicated service has turned them into obedient slaves. Some may now have a pleasant life. They've earned it. Like the workhorses they resembled they have been put out to pasture, and new students innocently and eagerly fill their shoes. I just wonder if they are being really honest with themselves. Perhaps that's the Tibetan way, but it is not good enough for the Western world in the New Millennium. Rotten apple 2) Lamas are becoming spoilt. I once heard a highly respected Tibetan Sangyum long ago declare in my presence that, "Students are spoiling the Lamas and the Lamas are spoiling the students". Lamas may feel they are practicing detachment but at the moment they are still riding the crest of the waves, and westerners will go to any lengths to be admitted into a Lama's inner circle. Their show of detachment can be a mask for subtle selfishness. They will skillfully manipulate situations to get everything they want, and believe it's their good Karma. They are having such an enjoyable time holidaying in the West, do they really care about the western students who help them, or stop and think of their own people back home? Rotten apple 3) The Tulku system. There is a danger that Lamas get an unrealistic view of their personal powers and limitations by identifying too much with the Masters they are supposed to be the re-incarnations of. Far worse than a questionable Tibetan Tulku who has after all received the prerequisite training (and who knows with what inner turmoil resulting?), is a self-proclaimed Western born Tulku or one that has not received any training at all. Rotten apple 4) Within those Dharma Centers which become institutionalized alternative societies, there is a danger that freedom of speech can be repressed. The students get snared in a game of pretence, hiding their real feelings. The teaching methods may work in a hit or miss way, but the misses are very seriously damaging. Rarely are emotions transformed in the way intended. They get swept under the carpet. The student is required to replace reason with getting his head round half-baked metaphysical theories shrouded in a foreign vocabulary, because reason and gut feeling equates with ego. Some are thrown into such emotional turmoil that they then make matters worse by trying to do unsuitable Tantric practices to clear the way for them to regain the clarity of non-duality which had arisen during Vispassana meditation. Instead of flowing naturally forward, they are squashed backwards, and their energy levels depleted or totally screwed up. Surely this must be due to inept teachers, or well meaning ones who don't understand how our western minds work. Some methods employed by Lamas can be compared with deliberately wounding a healthy arm so that prescribed medicine can be applied to make it heal. If there are no scars it is proof of the medicine's efficacy. There are scars. Rotten apple 5) The topic of Guru/disciple relationship is good machinery to maintain the wheels of Dharma Centers rolling, and keep the workers under control. I suspect that little of the real meaning of this term pertains nowadays, except in very exceptional cases. There are many books describing how to be a good student and how to practice Guru Yoga, but this is like painting by numbers. There has to be an actual living alchemy based on truthful communication and a very deep heart level. I don't think that problems arise in one-to-one meetings with great High Lamas who are often delighted to find a spirited free- thinker, and who are truly sources of inspiration. To my mind, it is best to catch them when you can, and to avoid Dharma Centers. But the way things are at the moment, the only way to "catch them" is when they visit Dharma Centers, and the individual session is lost. However, it's usually the case that if a student appears to show dissent, they are regarded as a troublemaker who will threaten the stability of the Dharma Center and sent to stand in the corner with their back to the class. On the other side of the coin it could be said that when a devotion/fear/hate attitude develops, they are not really caring about their Teacher. If they had stood up to him, they might have saved him from embarrassing publicity, or even saved his life. Crucial to this problem, and where the Lamas think they have us over a barrel, is the subject of non-duality. Our earthbound view is simply wrong in the first place. The ego is erroneous full-stop. Full-stops imply the curtailing of energetic flow. Yet it is precisely our birthright of this energetic flow which connects us to the Nature of our Mind. There have been skillful Lamas who have encouraged this flow and too many unskillful ones who dam it. Those are the ones intent on controlling our minds to build their empires. The fact that the ego is made out to be the villain of the piece, gives the Lama free license to squash our freedom of self-expression and creativity, or just to squash us on a whim. But it is within this very creativity that we find our wings through relationships, to glide on the Nature of Mind. Harmonious relationships within the domain of ego are themselves essential means to liberate this flow. Yet Lamas are notoriously hopeless in this area. For the Teaching methods to work most effectively in the West, they need to change. We cannot afford to tolerate any longer the hit or miss effects, and the damage done by unskillful Lamas who seem to be in the majority. I have heard of disturbing accounts regarding so-called Vajrayana activity in certain Centers. I do not think that a Tibetanized form of Indian Tantra is an appropriate vehicle to transmit the Teachings clearly to westerners. For instance, the usual depiction of Vajra Yogini does absolutely nothing for me but take up the space in my mind from where she spontaneously communicates to me. For years I blocked the activity of what she represents with her Tibetan form. It was only when she screamed at me in my dreams, with images that were acutely relevant, or kept me awake at night or gave me nightmares, that I finally listened to her and my own mind. But it required enormous courage and independence in thought to break free from the mold. I could no longer be part of a typical Sangha. I was out as a heretic. Actually, it was voluntary exile, because there were people I really cared about in the Centers, and I did not wish to upset them with my revolutionary attitude. Having now got used to life in Vajra Hell, I am quite at home here to be the devil's advocate. This is the destination for those brave and dedicated students who "disobey" the Lama and stick with the essence of the Teachings. Many are now quietly going about their own lives as far away from a Dharma Center as possibly can be. A little bit disillusioned and a little bit enlightened. They have changed, because they now trust themselves. It could be said that we got the message, so what are we complaining about'? We survived the course, but others may not. I considered suicide many times and know of one student who took that option. New students need to be sufficiently warned and protected against all possible chances of abuse. I suggest there should be an independent official board for enquiries and complaints set up, perhaps on the Internet. Masochistic diehards will say, "Well that is the end of Vajrayana." To them I say, "Vajrayana is indestructible. Life still continues as the Guru." Speaking for myself, I still need expert guidance. I actually find I'm back at square one, but it's a new square one and a fresh beginning. I certainly don't want to be involved in a Dharma Center but would like to keep connecting with helpful Lamas whom I would initially regard a bit like highly prized visiting Professors who are experts in their field, and deserving of our kindness and good manners.. ..then see what happens. I foresee a harmonious marriage between Vispassana and Dzogchen in its most naked form, including the freedom to center ourselves in our heart of hearts, the source of absolute All Good, the God that has been liberated from Christianity, whatever one calls that pure transcendent love that causes us almost to faint, and which is at the heart of all Religions. All along I felt that the Tibetan teachings never came close to that awareness, though they did most certainly show the way to a hitherto unrealized vivid perception of non-duality. To my mind, the emphasis was on mental activity, which is of course important, but the aspect of Love as an activity in our hearts seemed to get bypassed by the importance placed upon another human being, the Lama as Guru. This is where for me the whole stack of Tibetan Buddhist cards collapsed. Often Dharma Centers are the last places on earth that you will find real open hearts. Western students need to be more pragmatic and less idealistic about the Tibetan romantic myth. They need to be able to see the Lamas as they actually are, often wonderful human beings and sometimes not. They need to look very carefully. All the adulation and dreaminess are getting in the way of the object of the exercise, namely their spiritual maturity. Too often they are willing cohorts in being trapped in Dharma Centers performing unsuitable practices because there are perks to be gained, a reward system which leaves them willing to put up with the idiosyncrasies of their Lama and Sangha because they are able to meet Lamas they do respect and who make it all worthwhile. This works both ways and I don't doubt that some Lamas feel they are trapped within students' expectations. They are also ready to break out of their mold. A new hybrid-species of Tibetan Buddhists are springing up. Tibetan Buddhism must be prepared to adapt to the western culture and needs of westerners. Like precious seeds collected from a beautiful country, it is up to the gardeners of the new ground in which they are to be planted to know how best to help them propagate and flourish. It is no good the gardeners in the other faraway country obstinately saying you have to plant them like this, since in our experience that is how its always been done, because the conditions and climate are different in the new terrain. It is essential the two groups of gardeners work together. If anyone has read this far they must realize that I am passionately committed to the flourishing of Tibetan spiritual wisdom here in the West. My devotion to the great Lamas I have been fortunate to meet is unswerving, and it goes without saying that my list of rotten apples does not include some excellent Lamas still alive, who as it so happens aren't very keen to get involved in organizations. My criticism at times has been deliberately provocative. I have seen more good than bad. I do not even really blame the Lamas who, though not exactly rotten but who are past their sell by date, have equally been misled by western students, including myself in the past. On our side, it is not fair to put them up on pedestals and then tear them down when they don't meet with our unrealistic expectations. They doubtless have had their share of difficulties too. It is time we all grow. It is time the beautiful seeds of Tibetan Buddhism grow magnificently in a regenerated form on these foreign shores. We need the fresh blood and imagination of younger Lamas and women teachers who are familiar with western ways, to help fertilize the new green shoots. Given the chance, I believe they will want to adapt the system and will find the means to do so. Now is that chance. Voices that have been silenced for too long are joining force. Let's all say what we really think. POSTSCRIPT Since embarking on this article, I have at times questioned my motives, my judgment, and whether publishing my views can achieve anything. I have been tempted to abandon it because it would make my life a little easier, and simplicity is all I crave for nowadays! I would like to share one last thing with you. A couple of nights ago I received one of those phone calls with disturbing news that are best heard in the morning so that you have the whole day to recover from the shock. A sleepless night lay ahead of me as I knew it would. The timing could not have been worse. I tossed and turned and turned and tossed, suffering deep anxiety as well as unpleasant physical sensations, as worry delved deeper into my brain and all the muscles in my body tensed up. Then, in the early hours between the borders of fitful dreams, I was aware that the heart of my heart center was stirring. A place of absolute love and forgiveness opened up to embrace me. In that presence of mind, it was very clear to me to continue with the article as I intuitively knew I should speak the truth as I found it. I also knew that having reached this heart of hearts I had gone beyond all the outer form of Tibetan Buddhism including the deities and devotion to Lamas. It was all very clear and precise as I seemed to step in and out of this completely peaceful and totally positive space, slipping back again into the torment of my troubled problem where I tried to supplicate the Lamas and deities I felt most closely connected with, but to no avail. Their powers seemed to be ineffectual, because I was using a mental process. The peace in my heart was a felt, meaningful awareness. It was also very clear to me that I would, in the natural course of things, regain my normal consciousness, and this clarity would be lost. But that was perfectly all right. Sure enough, I finally fell asleep again, and upon waking when it was time to get up, the whole experience had faded. In hindsight, I wondered from a scientific point of view whether somehow the previous night's distress had simply released endorphins into my brain, or whether what had taken place was what Christian mystics call "The peace that passes all understanding," or whether both were correct explanations. What remained a certainty was that all the Tibetan prayers, visualizations, and devotional practices I had been given, and which I still treasure to a certain extent, in this instance only prevented access to that innermost part of my heart. I have since wondered if that is what is ultimately the problem with being overloaded by Tibetan culture. It is, after all, only that raft to the other shore, and to cling to it only defeats the object of the exercise. Lamas certainly emphasize the importance of compassion, but perhaps the meaning is not being explained adequately. I now believe that the active heart center is an essential component of wisdom, going hand in hand with the mental investigation that Tibetan Buddhism offers. But the Love side so well expressed by Jesus Christ, for example, seems to be lacking in the approach of the Lamas, (as vice versa does the brilliant mental enquiry and direct power of insight seem to be missing from present day Christianity). Both the direct hit of the heart and penetrating insight of the Mind are equally important. The teaching method that many traditional Lamas employ to crack the heart open is to create a drama in the personal life of a student who then ideally will do the appropriate practice to bring about a clearer awareness to their experience. But at this stage, the student is referring all the time to the human Lama as Teacher, and a claustrophobic Sangha, as the situation where the transformation will take place. It is such a heavyweight mental and limited heart process that all access to the freedom of absolute Love in their heart will be blocked. They really are trapped in the limitations of a system that cannot possibly work for them if they know they really need to go beyond it, but cannot find a way forward, in fact, because they are being held back by the Lama and the Sangha. I believe that there are many older students who have faithfully traversed the Tibetan path who are now ready for a new kind of Teaching. We may be in the minority, but we are certainly around making ourselves heard. I know I still need guidance along my often difficult path since I seem to be among the numbers of curious and possibly reckless pioneers. From now on, I shall certainly trust my heart above all cultural implants, and know that in doing so I am closer to lifting the final covering of that most exquisite gem spoken of so eloquently in Tibetan literature. The coverings may be carefully placed aside, but the jewel is to be truly treasured. May it gleam brightly in our hearts and lead us more closely to it. Back to top Ambu` Veteran Joined: 25 Sep 2002 Posts: 1561 Location: Ashland, Oregon Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2003 10:07 pm    Post subject: "Actually the practices that people were doing around me went against the natural flow of my mind and I felt as though I was being restricted into a smaller more rigid mind set. After a brilliant start in my twenties and early thirties, my clarity departed and I could not find the appropriate Lama to guide me back to it. Confusion reigned. It could possibly be argued that this is a normal stage in the Tantric process, but I would not wish it upon anybody. I am convinced there are simpler methods for western students to engage with the Teachings if we only look for them. " Back to top Ambu` Veteran Joined: 25 Sep 2002 Posts: 1561 Location: Ashland, Oregon Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2003 10:09 pm    Post subject: "For a while now, I have heard disgruntled mutterings in the ranks of other students. Some did break out in an explosion of festering rage and turned their back on the whole caboodle. Others said they were afraid that if they left the Dharma group, they would not be able to cope with the outside world and they would lose touch with the Teachings, so they stayed where they felt safe, but with their mouths buttoned up." Back to top Ambu` Veteran Joined: 25 Sep 2002 Posts: 1561 Location: Ashland, Oregon Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2003 10:12 pm    Post subject: "Some budding female students of Ati yoga will have trusted that the Lama's behavior was intended to help cut through the dualistic tendencies of their minds. Miranda Shaw has written a fascinating book, "Passionate Enlightenment: Women in Tantric Buddhism ". She clarified everything I once believed to be true and possible. But I now have reservations that such books, although of scholarly interest, only succeed in giving an unrealistic picture of what is actually attainable for most of us. It is so much easier to write and speak of high metaphysics and theories, than to actually put them into practice." Back to top Ambu` Veteran Joined: 25 Sep 2002 Posts: 1561 Location: Ashland, Oregon Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2003 10:14 pm    Post subject: "Where better place to start than with the case of Kalu Rinpoche and June Campbell? I) The case of Kalu Rinpoche and June Campbell must surely be the most authentic example of what may initially have been intended as a genuine spiritual practice actually not working, at least not for the female partner. Why didn't it work? Kalu Rinpoche had presumably mastered advanced practices and June Campbell was a sincere and dedicated student who revered her teacher. But still there remained the problem of a cultural divide. The bottom line was Ms. Campbell found herself floundering in a welter of uncertainties. Things seemed not to have really been explained clearly to her in a way that she knew where she stood. And there would not have been anyone to turn to for advice as the whole thing was a highly clandestine state of affairs. There seems to have been a huge misunderstanding all round which begs the question of whether these very high practices can ever work for the female partner, or whether she is just an instrument whose purpose is to excite the neurological makeup of the male practitioner. It seems Ms Campbell's heart and feelings never came into the equation at the time. Maybe her involvement with Kalu Rinpoche has subsequently opened up a wealth of valuable understanding to her. But at what cost? Should women have to pay such a high price? Can all the uncertainty and anguish be avoided?" Back to top Ambu` Veteran Joined: 25 Sep 2002 Posts: 1561 Location: Ashland, Oregon Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2003 10:20 pm    Post subject: "2) Women who have already attained some subtle degree of realization that they hope to expand in their friendships with Lamas they become sexual partners of and intimately involved with. This is a category that I believe I fell into. I include it here because I think it's an important issue. It was my experience and I think maybe likewise for other women. As I write the words "They hope to expand in their friendships with Lamas," I am aware that that was the initial mistake. In effect we did not understand or respect our own gift of insight and spiritual sensitivity. We sought to augment it by pairing up with a man we expected to be an experienced spiritual practitioner and imagined we were entering a more sacred ground. This is natural since we were after all normal women with a healthy sexuality and loving hearts. We were looking for spiritually compatible partners." Back to top Ambu` Veteran Joined: 25 Sep 2002 Posts: 1561 Location: Ashland, Oregon Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2003 10:22 pm    Post subject: "Clearly at the root of resulting misunderstandings is the belief Tibetan Lamas are entrenched in, namely that to have sexual relations with a woman is a great blessing for her. This leads to the commonsense arithmetic that notching up as many women as possible on the bedpost will equate with giving the maximum blessings one would wish to as a practicing bodhisattva. But invariably such behavior involves lies or deception or abandonment in the guise of skilful means." Back to top Ambu` Veteran Joined: 25 Sep 2002 Posts: 1561 Location: Ashland, Oregon Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2003 10:25 pm    Post subject: "... have left many women psychologically shattered and of most importance to them, drowning in a sea of self- doubt about their spiritual energy and practice." Back to top Ambu` Veteran Joined: 25 Sep 2002 Posts: 1561 Location: Ashland, Oregon Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2003 10:27 pm    Post subject: "My mistake was not to have trusted my own spiritual awakening to unfold naturally in the first place. I was greedy for Teachings. But what I discovered that came as a shock was that I lost my capacity for clear dreams and insights. My energy levels suffered. I had insomnia and a barrage of migraines. Something shut down as I dealt with all the hurt and confusion in the way the Lamas went about their relationships with western women. They may have been intending to disarm our egos, but they did a hatchet job like butchers."